Unconditioned thoughts....thats my ultimate goal. To move from my elementary expression of self and thoughts to a more mature and true and sincere expression that leaves me feeling good, happy and fulfilled. I second all of my thoughts. It is a horrible feeling. Have a thought, think badly about having that thought, think that I should have higher thoughts or more intelligent thoughts, get wrapped up in the fact that I just had the thought and then I am stuck. Instead of moving forward, I get to spiral out of control in the storm of negative thinking. Why arent I more compassionate to myself? How is it that I can forgive or excuse someone else more easily than I can myself? What kind of craziness is that?

How do I feel like the person and be the person I want to be? I can physically do things differently, but changing the way I think is the most challenging part.

I sort of feel like I did in high school. I was sooo self conscious. It's good to be self conscious, but to a point. When it begins to interfere with th way you live your life....then it becomes a problem. It takes its toll on your self esteem too though. When you are too much in your head like I am, its very easy to forget that there is a world around you. I have heard that to get out of yourself you need to do something for some body else.

I can remember several years ago when Chris and I had only been married not even a year when I was having panic attack after panic attack and it was very difficult for me to go to sleep because I was afraid of dying in my sleep or my heart was racing and I couldn't relax and something that helped me was that I would reach over and massage Chris's back and it would take my mind off my thoughts. It soothed me to do that. I was desperate for anything to take me out of that emotional state I was in, and weirdly enough it did the trick. I enjoy to have a message more than I do to give one "_"

Things are not as bad as that right now, but I am wondering if maybe a little giving of myself would take my mind off of things and allow me to relax and just be without judging myself and questioning everything I say and do.

Life is tough. I cannot remember a time in my life...ever..that things were just rolling along smoothly. There has always been something going on within me or outside of me or both that has challenged me as a person. I suppose thats a good thing is a way, but I want to rise to the occasion, or present myself with the ability to do so and to feel like I have actually grown.

AHHH its like I cant quite put my finger on it...I can see what it is I am trying to say but it keeps moving around.

I need a bigger vocabulary for one

A question I have is...is it okay to feel our way through life? Or is it necessary to do it some other way...ahh whatever way that is...i can't even label it, or pose my freaking question.

I pray for clarity.