Friday, July 30, 2010

Turner's The Name...

Recently I have reconnected with my fathers side of the family. I can't really express in words how much this means to me. My mother and I moved to Florida in the spring of 1989 I believe because of a couple of reasons, one of them being quite personal and the other being that my mother was unable to find work in Southern Illinois. My sister Tammy, her husband Craig and their daughter Kayla lived there and my sister would write and call us asking us to move down to Florida because she was sure we would love it. I was six years old when we left. I remember our last day in Illinois. We went to my Grandma Imogene's home to say goodbye to her and my dad. I don't think I really understood how far this journey would take me from my father and grandma but staying true to my character I have always been fascinated with a good adventure and I think I was eager to go. I remember sitting on my dads lap and him telling me how much he was going to miss me and that he would be thinking of me always. We walked outside to our car that was parked on the side of the road, with the sun shining bright we got in and headed to Florida. Over the years I would come back to visit my dad in the summer a few different occasions and he even made it down to stay with us for a week or so in Florida, but after that I would not see my father until nine years later in a hospital bed in St. Louise where he lay dying of an instrusive cancer affecting the mouth and throat.
The time that he came to visit us in Florida he stayed in mine and my mothers one bedroom appartment. It was around Christmas time. I remember this well because the Christmas tree that we had up he kept knocking over during the night when he got up to use the bathroom. My mom had him sleep on the couch in the living room. One night he went in the bedroom to "talk" to my mom. I laugh now as I think about it. I wasn't dumb to what was going on and I was mad! How could he come and try and take my mother away from me!! I believe that he tried then one last time to make things work with my mom. It was probably a little tempting for my mom because if he did come to live with us and we did become one big happy family, maybe things would have been better for me and easier on her. But it became quite clear that his drinking would once again get in the way.
Let me interupt here and say that my dad was a good man. He made some mistakes in his life, who doesn't? But he was a good man. He had a disease and it controlled him life. He didn't want to lose his family, but he had little choice in the matter. He was the kindest drunk I've ever met. I didn't care what he did because he was my daddy and even as a child I could see through the alcohol to really see him.
We had some fun times when he stayed with us. Our last family picture was taken at the Cape Coral Yacht Club, all of us with our chicken white legs sitting on a rock under a tree.
I suppose I talked with him on the phone many times after that, but unfortunately I do not remember.
As I grew into a teenager I must have been living on another planet because I honestly cannot remember ever talking to him as. I regret this terribly. I was too concerned with myself, and my friends, and the drugs to concentrate on anything else.
When I became pregnant at 17, I probably called to tell him. Somewhere around that time is when he started to get sick, but no one told me until after I had delivered Belle. My mom was worried that the stress of knowing my father was so sick would have put me into pre-term labor for the second time. Belle came a month early as it is.
I remember life after we came home from the hospital with Belle, (Brian her biological dad was no help at all) and my mom would help me with her at night so I could sleep a little. She was stressed and tense and finally it burst out that my dad was in the hospital after have 17 surgerys to remove the cancer that was growing in his throat and mouth. It was my mom's way of expressing saddness about my father being so sick, and she tried so hard to wait to tell me until I felt stronger. Six weeks later we were in Illinois visiting him in the hospital. I did not get to spend much time with him because he was very tired and weak. He had a treakiotomy that was uncomfortable to say the least for him to use, so communication was limited. He wrote on a piece of paper to me and my Grandma helped him to express what he wanted to say. He got to see Belle but from a distance. If I could just go back in time I would have sat down beside him and held his hand and told him how much I loved him. If I could go back even further I would have talked with him more over the years, included him in my life, squeezed my way into his life.
We left the hospital and 5 months later he passed on.I wrote him letters trying to give him hope that this life wasn't all that was there for us. I tried to reasure him that he was going to heaven (if there was such a place) and that he was not going to lose himself. My Grandma told me that a priest did come and talk with him and that comforted him in his final days.
Reconnecting with my famiy has conjured up so many memories and so many wishes.
I know my mother made the right choice in bringing us down here to live. Maybe I shouldn't regret the life I never had. I want to believe that his spirit is somewhere close by and that he can see who I am and how I am living my life, and how much I have grown. I hope that he can see my children and how beautiful and smart they are. I hope to come back from our trip feeling like I know my father more through stories that his sisters and mother and nieces and nephews will share with me. I am who I am because of many things, one of those being who my father was and who his famiy is. I never got to show him how much he meant to me alive, so I will do this now by bridging the gap between the Turners and I.

More to come on my journey back to my roots ^_^

I love you Daddy, and always will! And if you are out there somewhere in this world in whatever form or source of energy...I will make sure to give Grandma a great big hug and kiss to her from you.

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