Friday, July 30, 2010

Turner's The Name...

Recently I have reconnected with my fathers side of the family. I can't really express in words how much this means to me. My mother and I moved to Florida in the spring of 1989 I believe because of a couple of reasons, one of them being quite personal and the other being that my mother was unable to find work in Southern Illinois. My sister Tammy, her husband Craig and their daughter Kayla lived there and my sister would write and call us asking us to move down to Florida because she was sure we would love it. I was six years old when we left. I remember our last day in Illinois. We went to my Grandma Imogene's home to say goodbye to her and my dad. I don't think I really understood how far this journey would take me from my father and grandma but staying true to my character I have always been fascinated with a good adventure and I think I was eager to go. I remember sitting on my dads lap and him telling me how much he was going to miss me and that he would be thinking of me always. We walked outside to our car that was parked on the side of the road, with the sun shining bright we got in and headed to Florida. Over the years I would come back to visit my dad in the summer a few different occasions and he even made it down to stay with us for a week or so in Florida, but after that I would not see my father until nine years later in a hospital bed in St. Louise where he lay dying of an instrusive cancer affecting the mouth and throat.
The time that he came to visit us in Florida he stayed in mine and my mothers one bedroom appartment. It was around Christmas time. I remember this well because the Christmas tree that we had up he kept knocking over during the night when he got up to use the bathroom. My mom had him sleep on the couch in the living room. One night he went in the bedroom to "talk" to my mom. I laugh now as I think about it. I wasn't dumb to what was going on and I was mad! How could he come and try and take my mother away from me!! I believe that he tried then one last time to make things work with my mom. It was probably a little tempting for my mom because if he did come to live with us and we did become one big happy family, maybe things would have been better for me and easier on her. But it became quite clear that his drinking would once again get in the way.
Let me interupt here and say that my dad was a good man. He made some mistakes in his life, who doesn't? But he was a good man. He had a disease and it controlled him life. He didn't want to lose his family, but he had little choice in the matter. He was the kindest drunk I've ever met. I didn't care what he did because he was my daddy and even as a child I could see through the alcohol to really see him.
We had some fun times when he stayed with us. Our last family picture was taken at the Cape Coral Yacht Club, all of us with our chicken white legs sitting on a rock under a tree.
I suppose I talked with him on the phone many times after that, but unfortunately I do not remember.
As I grew into a teenager I must have been living on another planet because I honestly cannot remember ever talking to him as. I regret this terribly. I was too concerned with myself, and my friends, and the drugs to concentrate on anything else.
When I became pregnant at 17, I probably called to tell him. Somewhere around that time is when he started to get sick, but no one told me until after I had delivered Belle. My mom was worried that the stress of knowing my father was so sick would have put me into pre-term labor for the second time. Belle came a month early as it is.
I remember life after we came home from the hospital with Belle, (Brian her biological dad was no help at all) and my mom would help me with her at night so I could sleep a little. She was stressed and tense and finally it burst out that my dad was in the hospital after have 17 surgerys to remove the cancer that was growing in his throat and mouth. It was my mom's way of expressing saddness about my father being so sick, and she tried so hard to wait to tell me until I felt stronger. Six weeks later we were in Illinois visiting him in the hospital. I did not get to spend much time with him because he was very tired and weak. He had a treakiotomy that was uncomfortable to say the least for him to use, so communication was limited. He wrote on a piece of paper to me and my Grandma helped him to express what he wanted to say. He got to see Belle but from a distance. If I could just go back in time I would have sat down beside him and held his hand and told him how much I loved him. If I could go back even further I would have talked with him more over the years, included him in my life, squeezed my way into his life.
We left the hospital and 5 months later he passed on.I wrote him letters trying to give him hope that this life wasn't all that was there for us. I tried to reasure him that he was going to heaven (if there was such a place) and that he was not going to lose himself. My Grandma told me that a priest did come and talk with him and that comforted him in his final days.
Reconnecting with my famiy has conjured up so many memories and so many wishes.
I know my mother made the right choice in bringing us down here to live. Maybe I shouldn't regret the life I never had. I want to believe that his spirit is somewhere close by and that he can see who I am and how I am living my life, and how much I have grown. I hope that he can see my children and how beautiful and smart they are. I hope to come back from our trip feeling like I know my father more through stories that his sisters and mother and nieces and nephews will share with me. I am who I am because of many things, one of those being who my father was and who his famiy is. I never got to show him how much he meant to me alive, so I will do this now by bridging the gap between the Turners and I.

More to come on my journey back to my roots ^_^

I love you Daddy, and always will! And if you are out there somewhere in this world in whatever form or source of energy...I will make sure to give Grandma a great big hug and kiss to her from you.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Present Moment Awareness....

I just watched a cute romantic comedy. I love the ability they have to transplant me in another place. It's easy to feel as though I am on their journey, feeling and experiencing what they are. I get that rush of motivation to make an adventure happen, but then of course life and all its obligations and responsibilities get in the way, and I am reminded of how much laundry I have to do, or how messy the kitchen is. The kids of course have full time jobs with school and there seems to be no room in our life for adventure. This seems so much the truth that I can come up with many more excuses or reasons to prove how busy life is, so much that fun gets put on the back burner and even sometimes throw away all together. What is the importance of an adventure? Why do we crave that so much? Why does the journey sometimes matter more than the destination? Living life to its fullest is the journey, and the destination at the same time. Each moment presents itself as available and open. We are the ones that fill it up with so much to do. One of the lines in the movie that made me think went something like this: You should kiss your love like its the first time you've ever kissed them, and also like its the last. I think it would be grand if each moment was like that. Appreciating and enjoying each and every moment like its the best kiss you've ever had. And if it does not feel that way, if each moment feels rather quite the opposite most of the time, then Houston we have a problem and then it is time to change it until it is mostly like the best kiss in the world. Alot of the times what needs to change is not our circumstances, but our attitudes. To be open and willing to change and accept something new into the moment. Even if it makes you feel uncomfortable. Oh boy, does it ever get uncomfortable sometimes! So much that I would like to have a time machine and go back even just a moment or two and erase what I said or did to create something completely different! But of course that is not possible, so this is where forgiveness and acceptance come into play and prove to be very useful. Forgive myself for sounding like an idiot...forgive myself for actually being an idiot, or thinking that I am an idiot in the first place! Accept myself for who I am and love myself no matter what. Be tender and compassionate with myself. This is what can give me the courage to invite that moment into my consciousness. Allowing room for mistakes and doing my best to learn from them is very important. Back to this present moment can be so challenging. We have everything in the world to distract us from the moment with TV, computers, cell phones. We can essentially with all of these tools live our lives in our heads instead of actually living life with our bodies. I am learning so many news things right now about different ways of living and one of the things is the Tao Te Ching. Some people attribute that collection of 81 poems to one man Lao-tzu, but others believe it to be a compilation of many authors. It is a collection of poems written to advise us how to be good people and how to live a good life and give back to others making this life better for all among many other teachings. One of the ways the Tao Te Ching does this is to teach us to get out of our heads and back to nature, or back to whats natural. Technology obviously has advanced us..and in many ways it has been an excellent way to help and change the world for the better. In other ways it has taken us away from ourselves and the connections we have with one another and the present moment and caused more to be stressed about, feeding chaos and making us feel like we have to go go go all the time. We must move as fast as our emails. That's exhausting trying to keep up with that. We are teaching ourselves how to produce more and more, but receive less and less of what really matters. In one hand technology can get things done very fast which ideally will free up more of our time to do more of what we want, but it seems like its leaving us with less time but more to do. Or that could be a result of the pressures and demands of our culture. People want to make money, money buys things, technology saves time, people can do more, lets expect more and make more money with the idea that it will eventually allow us to take a break and reap the rewards of all our hard work. Meanwhile, each moment is ticking by almost painfully, and our bodies are the ones that take the bullet for that, because our brains love love love to do what it does best which is constantly run and think. This is what my brain does constantly. I use to think that I was such a vivid, constant dreamer at night because some bigger power had something important to share about my existence. Now I am understanding it is just my monkey mind or as my professor puts it " a puppy with out a leash". It certainly feels that way...that it has control over me, and not the other way around. That is probably where the discipline comes in. I have a toddler so I can completely relate to that analogy. He certain has more control over me instead of me over him :( But I work for that to change the older he gets and the more he understands. HA! There it is! The older I get, the more I will understand! So I can forgive myself for not knowing everything right now! Including how to take full advantage of this moment right now, which I sort of feel that this moment right now I am taking full advantage of it, and doing something useful for my growth and development and enjoyment! I feel like I may have a little less time to learn all of this though as I do have three children to raise and to teach! No pressure there. {bites lip}. Anyway...point more, get out of your head...and enjoy living while its giving:)

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Unconditioned thoughts....thats my ultimate goal. To move from my elementary expression of self and thoughts to a more mature and true and sincere expression that leaves me feeling good, happy and fulfilled. I second all of my thoughts. It is a horrible feeling. Have a thought, think badly about having that thought, think that I should have higher thoughts or more intelligent thoughts, get wrapped up in the fact that I just had the thought and then I am stuck. Instead of moving forward, I get to spiral out of control in the storm of negative thinking. Why arent I more compassionate to myself? How is it that I can forgive or excuse someone else more easily than I can myself? What kind of craziness is that?

How do I feel like the person and be the person I want to be? I can physically do things differently, but changing the way I think is the most challenging part.

I sort of feel like I did in high school. I was sooo self conscious. It's good to be self conscious, but to a point. When it begins to interfere with th way you live your life....then it becomes a problem. It takes its toll on your self esteem too though. When you are too much in your head like I am, its very easy to forget that there is a world around you. I have heard that to get out of yourself you need to do something for some body else.

I can remember several years ago when Chris and I had only been married not even a year when I was having panic attack after panic attack and it was very difficult for me to go to sleep because I was afraid of dying in my sleep or my heart was racing and I couldn't relax and something that helped me was that I would reach over and massage Chris's back and it would take my mind off my thoughts. It soothed me to do that. I was desperate for anything to take me out of that emotional state I was in, and weirdly enough it did the trick. I enjoy to have a message more than I do to give one "_"

Things are not as bad as that right now, but I am wondering if maybe a little giving of myself would take my mind off of things and allow me to relax and just be without judging myself and questioning everything I say and do.

Life is tough. I cannot remember a time in my life...ever..that things were just rolling along smoothly. There has always been something going on within me or outside of me or both that has challenged me as a person. I suppose thats a good thing is a way, but I want to rise to the occasion, or present myself with the ability to do so and to feel like I have actually grown.

AHHH its like I cant quite put my finger on it...I can see what it is I am trying to say but it keeps moving around.

I need a bigger vocabulary for one

A question I have it okay to feel our way through life? Or is it necessary to do it some other way...ahh whatever way that is...i can't even label it, or pose my freaking question.

I pray for clarity.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Applied Metaphysics

Spirituality and Healing class of 2010 began yesterday and so far I have gained so much insight into problems I have been dealing with for over a year.

Growing up, I attended a Christian Science church. I looked forward to going to Sunday school every week mostly to be with friends but looking back now I can recall the feelings that I got from going to church and they were good.
I appreciate what Christian Science taught me. The teaching that stands out most in my memory is that God is Love. I was never told that God was a punishing God or that I was going to any sort of hell because sin, disease, and death were considered unreal in Truth. Truth being a synonym for God. Christian Science teaches that we are the reflection of God. Then we have to ask ourselves; What is God? In the bible it teaches alot about God, some of it good some of it bad. It can be quite confusing when you read a story that portrays God to be this almighty punisher, teaching you a lesson on how to be good and go to heaven, when in another place it teaches quite the opposiet. I have chosen to believe that God is good and that God is All in ALL. If God is good and God is everything then all of this reality business is unreal and has no place in Spirit, God. If the truth of my being is that I am the image and likeness of God and God is Love, then I must also at my very core be Love.
In the bible, Jesus teaches in John 14:16 "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me;" Whether or not I believe that all the stories in the bible are based in truth is unimportant to me. We can learn from anything and everything if we are open to it. For me, Jesus was this perfect example of Love, of God. He as well as you and I are the image and likeness, the expressions of God. Jesus healed the sick because he knew that with his whole heart. He knew the truth about everyone. Jesus beheld the perfect man, and this is what healed. He did not see the person as having a disease, or lacking anything. So now we have to use applied Metaphysics to help us to do the same for ourselves and our world, but we first have to know the truth. The truth is, is that God is spiritual, therefore we are spiritual too. God cannot have a disease, so truly we cannot either. But say we are not feeling well and we are experiencing these symptoms, its very hard to ignore them, but we should do our best to know the truth which is we are truly not physical beings, we are spiritual beings and we do not have bodies to be sick. Changing our thoughts about something heals us; healing our thoughts first brings about a healing change in our lives.

This works for everything.

Jesus was not just saying that you must believe in him to have access to heaven. He was teaching that we have within us the same power that God bestowed upon him. But realizing who we are is the "Way" and knowing that "Truth" gives us real "Life".

This is what I am working with right now. And also I am learning how to listen when God is speaking.
In Christian Science there are synonyms for God and they are all represented by an upper case letter. Mind, Soul, Spirit, Life, Truth, Love and Principle. God is all of these. There are many attributes as well such as under Mind there is all the things that Mind represents, its intelligent, quick, stable, aware, conscious. Love is kind, compassionate, thoughtful, not quick to anger. Spirit is free, flowing, energy. So you use these thoughts to heal whatever is wrong. Scientists are discovering now that what we are thinking affects us more than we realize. What kinds of thoughts are we having that we are not even aware of? I tell myself crap all the time. My oatmeal story is a great example. And as a matter of fact, ever since I became more aware of the foods that I am putting into my body and my thoughts about them, I have felt more nourished and pleased by what I am eating. I am also feeling satisfied with less. Just something I have noticed.

Applied Metaphysics is really helping me to create a life that I love. I am gratefull for what I have learned and what I continue to learn. My heart is open.

Sunday school is dismissed ;)

Friday, January 22, 2010

Change Is Gonna Come

So many things are changing in my life. In Feng Shui if things are moving to quickly in a certain area of your life you can hang a crystal to slow things down in a particular part of your home. I feel like I should hang a crystal somewhere inside my life, everything seems to be moving so fast that I'm not sure what part of my home needs the crystal.
If you know me, its no surprise to you then that the day before the last day to register for classes, I decided to go back to school. I found Christopher a day care that I liked (one I had checked into months before when I thought I was ready to go back to work) and I went to school and signed up for Math and English. Two days later I was sitting at a desk among twenty or so other students re-learning how to simplify and solve. I am so excited to be back in the classroom. Six years ago when I attended school I was able to get some twenty-five credit hours out of the way, but I ended up dropping out because the Math and English were overwhelming me and I didn't want to continue trying for nothing. I say nothing because I had no idea what I wanted to be then. All I could see were the classes in front of me. I had no real major in mind, no end result I was working towards so I didn't see a reason to keep going to school. Hinde sight is 20/20 right? I should have stayed in school. I would be closer to what my goal is today. Though I should not allow myself to get stuck in that viscious thought pattern should have, could have, would have but didn't, its still a little painful. However I am ready to take on school. I am energized by the work that I have to do. I can actually say that I am enjoying the math class that I am taking. This is coming from the girl who in 5th grade wrote a poem that was published in a children's poety book about Math and her serious dislike for it. Here is that poem :

Math oh math
Take a bath
And wash all you problems away
I'm glad to say that's the way
I had a good day

Math oh math
Run away
Today is going to be a good day
Without any addition without any decimals
Please oh please go away!

Adorable right? I am very proud of myself for that fine piece of poetry at the age of 10. I despised math then and even through middle school and some of high school. It wasn't until towards the end of high school that I began to actually understand how to do it which is what helped me gain confidence and allow me to enjoy my success. Now I am just having fun solving the problems. Probably because in math you can actually find a solution. There is an order to it. Follow the order of operations and providing that you added and multiplied correctly, you will get the right answer. I wish life was like this. I have tons of problems that need solving, but no order of operations to follow and there are normally multiple answers to each question that lead you down multiple different roads. Its all too much sometimes. How do you know if you are making the right decision?

I rely so much on how I feel about something when I am making a decision. Call it intuition, call it instinct, call it crazy, whatever...its simply how I have made many decisions in my life. So far I'm still alive and my family is healthy so I must have done something right. But I'm not exactly the happiest with my life. I always want more. Take for example my spontaneous decison to go back to school. I had a feeling..I went with it while I was having that feeling and now I am happy I made that decision. That all happened at the exact right time though because had it been a day later it would have been impossible and I would have had to wait until the semester was over to sign up. Most likely I would have dumped the idea and moved onto something else. I fly by the seat of my pants on most things. But I take it as a sign that I was in the right place in my life for that to come together so easily. So it wouldn't have happened any other way than the way it did. So does that mean I shouldn't worry about the outcomes in life? Or does that mean that I need to go for things when that crazy feeling takes over me. That is yet another decision that I have to make a choice on. I don't like making decisions very much.

I am also still working on my music. It helps me deal with the indecisiveness I struggle with in my life. I would like to record myself and put something up on YouTube to get some feedback. I am gaining confidence in my music and I am more open to that, but I will admit it is difficult to share yourself without reserve and open yourself up for criticism. I sing and write and play becuase it makes me feel good and I want to share that with others to do the same for them but if I hear something negative about it I am afraid I will shut down. It's just another step in my growing process. That is my dream, to share who I am without apoligizing for being human, for being myself. It will come.

A few weeks ago a friend of my and I drove to Miami for a night during Florida's cold snap to see my favorite author Elizabeth Gilbert do a reading and Q&A on her newest book Committed. I bought the book when it came out less than a week before we went to see her. It is great. It's all about her struggle to decide whether or not to get married again after her first marriage basically bombed. She shared her fears and her concerns about entering into a marriage the same way she entered the first, so she took charge and did research and asked lots of questions to other people and to herself to find the answers she was searching for. She admits that she didn't give much thought the first time around to committing her life to someone. How often does this happen? We can look at divorce rates and see that in many of those cases it was probably because people didn't think through very well exactly what they were getting in to or what they wanted out of the partnership. But there are various other reasons for both entering and leaving a marriage. And the decision to get married at all, no matter what number it is for anyone should not be taken lightly. Its a great book that gets you to ask yourself some hard questions. I highly recommend it to anyone who has ever thought about getting married or who is married, ever will be, and almost especially if you have decided never to get married.

I am not sure what else there is to update. Of course there is more than this going on in my life but at this point I don't feel comfortable sharing it with the world quite yet. As with everything, just give it time.


Monday, December 21, 2009

Yes, Oatmeal, I do love you ^_^

This morning as I stared at my bowl of oatmeal and fresh blueberries, instead of judging them, I said a little prayer "Please let this taste yummy and be good for my body" and I swallowed it down. It was the first time In my whole life that I can ever remember enjoying oatmeal. I think I'm on to something here.

I secretly hate food. In my mind before I eat at thing negative thoughts usually are said. I basically talk shit about the food I am about to eat, telling it that it's not good enough for me, that it's not as healthy and as tasty as other foods and that I'm pretty much just using it for a quick fix.

Have you ever really stopped yourself and listened to what you say to yourself? Because that's exactly how I discovered that I talk so badly about and to food.

Let me share with you what this accomplishes.


No wonder I am putting on the pounds. I beat myself up for eating anything that isn't "healthy". And this next part I'll admit is a little weird but I'm just being honest, and I will do my best not to confuse.
If I prepare food, I feel that it's not good for any of us. Even if I whipped up a Vegetarian spinach wrap with a side of fruit, there is something in my brain that lies to muah and tells me its ultimately bad for me. Yes this is beginning to sound like a disorder.
But if I go to my friend Kety's house who hand prepares all her food, I feel like I am being nourished to my core, spiritually, nutritionally, mentally, emotionally. Even the wine is good for me! And I think I have figured out why this is the case.

My negative thoughts, or energy is spoiling the food.

So back to the beginning of my blog, I mentioned that I blessed my oatmeal, and it worked!!!

For a while now I have been researching different diets out there and trying to come up with some solution to help me lose 15lbs. There is so much out there like Jenny Craig and Nutrisystem just as an example that promise to help you lose the weight, and help you keep it of by a combination of mental, emotional, and physical help.

This is exactly what I need. (haha mental help)

I have been missing the connection between my diet, and my spirituality. The energy that is going into Kety's food is always positive. She is blessing the food she makes for all the people that will eat it. She is mixing with love so to speak. Cooking is not a huge favorite of mine, I am learning to love and appreciate it more and more as I get older. So at the very least I can say a few nice things to my food before I eat it instead of all this negative abuse I am slapping it with before it enters my mouth that until recently I didn't even realize I was doing.

And ladies and gentleman, that kind of mindless eating is called UNCONSCIOUSNESS!!!!

So my New Years Resolution is going to be to work on being a more conscious human.


Monday, November 30, 2009

New Song

Here's To You

I gave you what I could
You took all the good
That I had to give

And promises were made
As we gave love away
So freely to live

*Thanks for taking a walk
All over my heart
Here's to you
And thanks for breaking in two
All that you do
That keeps me from loving You

It was no suprise
When I looked in your eyes
And saw no future

The lessons I learned
How badly I got burned
Will stay with me forever

* (Chorus)

The magic we made
The memories we saved
For such a rainy day
Turns out to be
Not good enough for me
And in the end
Here's to You
Here's to You