So many things are changing in my life. In Feng Shui if things are moving to quickly in a certain area of your life you can hang a crystal to slow things down in a particular part of your home. I feel like I should hang a crystal somewhere inside my life, everything seems to be moving so fast that I'm not sure what part of my home needs the crystal.
If you know me, its no surprise to you then that the day before the last day to register for classes, I decided to go back to school. I found Christopher a day care that I liked (one I had checked into months before when I thought I was ready to go back to work) and I went to school and signed up for Math and English. Two days later I was sitting at a desk among twenty or so other students re-learning how to simplify and solve. I am so excited to be back in the classroom. Six years ago when I attended school I was able to get some twenty-five credit hours out of the way, but I ended up dropping out because the Math and English were overwhelming me and I didn't want to continue trying for nothing. I say nothing because I had no idea what I wanted to be then. All I could see were the classes in front of me. I had no real major in mind, no end result I was working towards so I didn't see a reason to keep going to school. Hinde sight is 20/20 right? I should have stayed in school. I would be closer to what my goal is today. Though I should not allow myself to get stuck in that viscious thought pattern should have, could have, would have but didn't, its still a little painful. However I am ready to take on school. I am energized by the work that I have to do. I can actually say that I am enjoying the math class that I am taking. This is coming from the girl who in 5th grade wrote a poem that was published in a children's poety book about Math and her serious dislike for it. Here is that poem :
Math oh math
Take a bath
And wash all you problems away
I'm glad to say that's the way
I had a good day
Math oh math
Run away
Today is going to be a good day
Without any addition without any decimals
Please oh please go away!
Adorable right? I am very proud of myself for that fine piece of poetry at the age of 10. I despised math then and even through middle school and some of high school. It wasn't until towards the end of high school that I began to actually understand how to do it which is what helped me gain confidence and allow me to enjoy my success. Now I am just having fun solving the problems. Probably because in math you can actually find a solution. There is an order to it. Follow the order of operations and providing that you added and multiplied correctly, you will get the right answer. I wish life was like this. I have tons of problems that need solving, but no order of operations to follow and there are normally multiple answers to each question that lead you down multiple different roads. Its all too much sometimes. How do you know if you are making the right decision?
I rely so much on how I feel about something when I am making a decision. Call it intuition, call it instinct, call it crazy, whatever...its simply how I have made many decisions in my life. So far I'm still alive and my family is healthy so I must have done something right. But I'm not exactly the happiest with my life. I always want more. Take for example my spontaneous decison to go back to school. I had a feeling..I went with it while I was having that feeling and now I am happy I made that decision. That all happened at the exact right time though because had it been a day later it would have been impossible and I would have had to wait until the semester was over to sign up. Most likely I would have dumped the idea and moved onto something else. I fly by the seat of my pants on most things. But I take it as a sign that I was in the right place in my life for that to come together so easily. So it wouldn't have happened any other way than the way it did. So does that mean I shouldn't worry about the outcomes in life? Or does that mean that I need to go for things when that crazy feeling takes over me. That is yet another decision that I have to make a choice on. I don't like making decisions very much.
I am also still working on my music. It helps me deal with the indecisiveness I struggle with in my life. I would like to record myself and put something up on YouTube to get some feedback. I am gaining confidence in my music and I am more open to that, but I will admit it is difficult to share yourself without reserve and open yourself up for criticism. I sing and write and play becuase it makes me feel good and I want to share that with others to do the same for them but if I hear something negative about it I am afraid I will shut down. It's just another step in my growing process. That is my dream, to share who I am without apoligizing for being human, for being myself. It will come.
A few weeks ago a friend of my and I drove to Miami for a night during Florida's cold snap to see my favorite author Elizabeth Gilbert do a reading and Q&A on her newest book Committed. I bought the book when it came out less than a week before we went to see her. It is great. It's all about her struggle to decide whether or not to get married again after her first marriage basically bombed. She shared her fears and her concerns about entering into a marriage the same way she entered the first, so she took charge and did research and asked lots of questions to other people and to herself to find the answers she was searching for. She admits that she didn't give much thought the first time around to committing her life to someone. How often does this happen? We can look at divorce rates and see that in many of those cases it was probably because people didn't think through very well exactly what they were getting in to or what they wanted out of the partnership. But there are various other reasons for both entering and leaving a marriage. And the decision to get married at all, no matter what number it is for anyone should not be taken lightly. Its a great book that gets you to ask yourself some hard questions. I highly recommend it to anyone who has ever thought about getting married or who is married, ever will be, and almost especially if you have decided never to get married.
I am not sure what else there is to update. Of course there is more than this going on in my life but at this point I don't feel comfortable sharing it with the world quite yet. As with everything, just give it time.
Peace^_^
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