This past weekend was a crazy one. We were invited to our good friends house to play poker and meet new people and eat great food. My husband and I brought some of our friends with us that are getting to know the host and hostess better.There were Georgians and Russians and Americans. Bikers and Cooks and Singers and Players...we had a very eclectic group of people there that night. I love all sorts of people. If you are good people, then we are good. Thats my only thing.
As the night progressed, we brought the guitar out and I began playing some of my songs.Everyone seemed to enjoy my song playing, so that was nice to feel. I am gaining confidence in my voice and my playing. I'm very proud of my lyrics and usually don't have any reservations sharing those, but all three together can be tough.
Throughout the night it had been mentioned that some others were musically enclined as well so I passed the guitar to a man named URI, he is my friend Kety's Russian friend. He began playing some old Russian songs. They were very good. Of course he could have been saying anything, but it sounded so great. Someone said that outloud which was of course funny because it was true. Foreigners are always attractive right? lol. Well Someone at the party with very little class decided to put a napkin in my lap! At first I didn't understand it, but by the time everyone was laughing I finally did catch on. But it all happened so fast that I didn't react the way I had wanted to. I am therefore mad at myself.
What got me thinking about this is that I was wondering how Uri felt about it. He must have been so embarrassed. Maybe not, but you know its my personal opinion that if someone is sharing a gift they have, it is so tasteless to throw some nasty obcene joke into the mix. It was rude and uncalled for and it took away from the musicians moment. It wasn't even close to true either, so we can;t use the whole fall back of "its true so its funny". But I am forgiving and I move on. Its just I sort of feel the need to apologize to Uri for that womans behavior. And I say woman because she had to be around 40 years old and you would think that by then she would have grown up a little bit.
I can remember being young and around adults and I would listen to their conversations and get some of what they were saying but alot of it went over my head. When I did begin understanding it (and most of the content was about sex) I would get this uncomfortable feeling and in my mind I would sort of tell myself that its too mature for me to get yet, and I would look forward to the day when it didn't make me feel that weird uncomfortable feeling anymore. I can now report that, that one situation was a learning experience for me. I understand now that I don't ever want to be comfortable with that sort of humor. Because to me its really not funny. Its about as funny as The Family Guy (whick I think is the epitome of whats wrong with our society, that we can laugh at such discusting things and roll on with life).
I can agree that some of the political jokes are a little funny, the ones that aren't too personal. But I'm sorry I can not, will not EVER laugh at sexual molestation, or womens degredation or all the other lines that they cross in that show.
Its not that I couldnt handle a joke in that way in which she delivered it. I am a woman now and I am comfortable with my body, but its surprises me that another woman would make a gesture like that, be totally inconsiderate about peoples feelings and steal that moment and turn into something gross. I wish I had all the words that I am feeling right now to express this.
I'm so mad at myself for not catching on quickly enough and then laughing her stupidity off. And I am very sorry for Uri. Obviously we were all adults there but something like that is just dumb to joke about in the way in which she did. Maybe she was feeling that way towards him and pushed it on to me. Its not that there wasn't something to be attracted in him, but to turn it into something so dirty and uncalled for.
Ok I'm done bitching about that...but until I wrote that down I don't think I could have gotten past it. I have learned from it and I am grateful for that much.
The rest of the night was mostly pretty fun. We had a very talented guy playing guitar and we were all singing and dancing.He played some songs we knew and some we didn't but it was all so soulful and inspirational. I love getting a big group of people together who are all so different to embrace the differences and have a good time. Just that one tiny little thing that bothered me. Thats all.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
The Beauty In Me, The Beauty In You
For a while now, Oh, i'll say in the past ...20 years of my life I have been thinking about beauty and wondering just where I fit in. When I was a child I compared myself to the people who surrounded me, my family, my sister, my friends. Of course I always noticed something beautiful in each of them and I wanted it for myself. Thats a little different though than having and feeling my own beauty. In a way I was a little thieve, taking whatever I thought was beautiful about them and acting it out inside myself, or if I wasn't able to do that I would get upset and then mentally talk down to myself in one way or another. That is soooooo sad, right? And I have to admit that I still do this. So many of us are guilty of this.
I have continued to seek out and learn the truth in beauty from the time I can remember. As I got a bit older, say middle school, I began reading teen magazines and watching teen shows and movies and there again my idea of beauty got distorted. I can't remember anyone ever talking to me directly about beauty and how to feel and appreciate my own.
Ok I take that back. I had a fairy godmother growing up, I'm being completely honest here. I met her when I was seven years old selling Easter candy for a school fundraiser. She was in her yard working and I was by myself. I went to her neighbors house first and as I am told this many years later, but in my own creative words, An evil man answered the door, and wanted to lure me in only to do harm to the little princess that was myself. The fairygodmother was watching and could sense that this was a very bad man, so she quickly interupted us and told me she was interested in buying some of my candy. So I went over to her and of course she was glowing with magic and beauty. We talked, and I told her about what I was doing for my school and she offered to help me around the neighborhood to sell candy. She helped me meet friends that I would have for the rest of my life, and began planting the seeds inside of me of great success to come. We became life long friends that day.
Over the course of twenty years she has been many things to me, my fairygodmother as mentioned above, a friend, a spiritual counselor, a neighbor, a boss, my guiding light. She has spent years teaching me about beauty actually, but from the inside out. Of course not until recently have I put two and two together (anyone can say they know that beauty comes from the within, but it takes something more to know that).
High school was not a great place for me to learn about true beauty,and I picked up many ideas there that are all garbage now.
And even now as an adult I have to sit back and question what I am believing, what is being given to me by the media. Between ads and movies and television, I have to admit that I am a victim of this distorted view on beauty and I have bought into every single thing suggestion.
Recently a friend of mine posted a link
Lizzie Miller is a model. And clearly here she does not have the "perfect" body. She is glowing in her own skin!!
My first impression when I see this picture is; This woman is utterly gorgeous. And just as I was beginning to do what I do every time I see another woman who I believe is insanely beautiful which is that a quick bit of dialog runs through my head that tells me a bunch of lies and it goes something like this "She is so pretty!! I am not pretty like that. I wish I were pretty like that. I hate her cause she's pretty like that!!" I am quickly stopped in my train of thought to see in her something I see in myself! Finally!!!!
Its pure jelousy because I cannot appreciate myself and love myself enough to see whats beautiful about and and inside of me! Let me just say that I appreciate what Lizzie Miller has done for so many woman. Her courage and self esteem is a brilliant example for us all to follow, at the same time, it saddens me that we have allowed it to come to this. I believe that the majority of women these days are feeling an array of things pertaining to their self image and feeling inadequate. And its our desire to look as beautiful as possible, or as impossible actually and also what society says is beautiful and sexy. We are all entitled to our own opinions about what is beautiful, true, but do we have to go to the extremes of feeling like we are ugly and unattractive just because we don't look like the airbrushed model on the magazine? So this really is a problem that stems from inside of us that is fostered in our lives growing up and not often addressed by the people who love us.
People are beginning to see this and speak out. This is becoming an entire movement. Lizzie is not the first to show her skin as it is. The Dove company launched a huge campaign a few years ago that showed off womens skin in all different sizes. We as woman are relating to that and we are watching and listening carefully to get our next new idea about ourselves. If that is what it takes..fine..its not a bad thing. But I have a different idea, or something to add to this media movement. How about if we take it upon ourselves to educate and teach girls how to love who they are!!!!??? Embrace the differences and love what we are given and to be grateful for our unuiqeness.
We can teach beauty in a way that does not put down or discourage young women. We can teach girls how to care for their bodies, and enjoy the way they look and feel. Give them a sense of empowerement and confidence and help them to recognize that special something inside of them that they have to offer to the world.
This is what I want for my girls. Building beauty from the inside out, because as we know, you could be considered the most beautiful person on this planet but unless you feel and own that inside of you, you become powerless and your beauty will just go to waste because often times if we are self conscious we are not giving of ourselves. We have to see in us first what we want other people to see.
These are things that I am still learning to believe about myself, but I have come a long way from that insecure little girl. I shall love her and teach her about who she really is.I am learning to appreciate my own natural beauty. But it really comes down to changing our ideas about what beauty is and then sharing that with the rest of the world. Only then will we see a change.
I have continued to seek out and learn the truth in beauty from the time I can remember. As I got a bit older, say middle school, I began reading teen magazines and watching teen shows and movies and there again my idea of beauty got distorted. I can't remember anyone ever talking to me directly about beauty and how to feel and appreciate my own.
Ok I take that back. I had a fairy godmother growing up, I'm being completely honest here. I met her when I was seven years old selling Easter candy for a school fundraiser. She was in her yard working and I was by myself. I went to her neighbors house first and as I am told this many years later, but in my own creative words, An evil man answered the door, and wanted to lure me in only to do harm to the little princess that was myself. The fairygodmother was watching and could sense that this was a very bad man, so she quickly interupted us and told me she was interested in buying some of my candy. So I went over to her and of course she was glowing with magic and beauty. We talked, and I told her about what I was doing for my school and she offered to help me around the neighborhood to sell candy. She helped me meet friends that I would have for the rest of my life, and began planting the seeds inside of me of great success to come. We became life long friends that day.
Over the course of twenty years she has been many things to me, my fairygodmother as mentioned above, a friend, a spiritual counselor, a neighbor, a boss, my guiding light. She has spent years teaching me about beauty actually, but from the inside out. Of course not until recently have I put two and two together (anyone can say they know that beauty comes from the within, but it takes something more to know that).
High school was not a great place for me to learn about true beauty,and I picked up many ideas there that are all garbage now.
And even now as an adult I have to sit back and question what I am believing, what is being given to me by the media. Between ads and movies and television, I have to admit that I am a victim of this distorted view on beauty and I have bought into every single thing suggestion.
Recently a friend of mine posted a link
Lizzie Miller is a model. And clearly here she does not have the "perfect" body. She is glowing in her own skin!!
My first impression when I see this picture is; This woman is utterly gorgeous. And just as I was beginning to do what I do every time I see another woman who I believe is insanely beautiful which is that a quick bit of dialog runs through my head that tells me a bunch of lies and it goes something like this "She is so pretty!! I am not pretty like that. I wish I were pretty like that. I hate her cause she's pretty like that!!" I am quickly stopped in my train of thought to see in her something I see in myself! Finally!!!!
Its pure jelousy because I cannot appreciate myself and love myself enough to see whats beautiful about and and inside of me! Let me just say that I appreciate what Lizzie Miller has done for so many woman. Her courage and self esteem is a brilliant example for us all to follow, at the same time, it saddens me that we have allowed it to come to this. I believe that the majority of women these days are feeling an array of things pertaining to their self image and feeling inadequate. And its our desire to look as beautiful as possible, or as impossible actually and also what society says is beautiful and sexy. We are all entitled to our own opinions about what is beautiful, true, but do we have to go to the extremes of feeling like we are ugly and unattractive just because we don't look like the airbrushed model on the magazine? So this really is a problem that stems from inside of us that is fostered in our lives growing up and not often addressed by the people who love us.
People are beginning to see this and speak out. This is becoming an entire movement. Lizzie is not the first to show her skin as it is. The Dove company launched a huge campaign a few years ago that showed off womens skin in all different sizes. We as woman are relating to that and we are watching and listening carefully to get our next new idea about ourselves. If that is what it takes..fine..its not a bad thing. But I have a different idea, or something to add to this media movement. How about if we take it upon ourselves to educate and teach girls how to love who they are!!!!??? Embrace the differences and love what we are given and to be grateful for our unuiqeness.
We can teach beauty in a way that does not put down or discourage young women. We can teach girls how to care for their bodies, and enjoy the way they look and feel. Give them a sense of empowerement and confidence and help them to recognize that special something inside of them that they have to offer to the world.
This is what I want for my girls. Building beauty from the inside out, because as we know, you could be considered the most beautiful person on this planet but unless you feel and own that inside of you, you become powerless and your beauty will just go to waste because often times if we are self conscious we are not giving of ourselves. We have to see in us first what we want other people to see.
These are things that I am still learning to believe about myself, but I have come a long way from that insecure little girl. I shall love her and teach her about who she really is.I am learning to appreciate my own natural beauty. But it really comes down to changing our ideas about what beauty is and then sharing that with the rest of the world. Only then will we see a change.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Here's to dreaming!
Let me paint a picture :
Six actresses and one director sit around a conference table coming together for the first time. Introducing themselves and telling of their past experience and accomplishments.
Actress One- Is a director herself but hasn't acted in a play in a few years. Also teaches drama.
Actress Two - Is beginning a drama department in the current school she teaches at. Has been the lead in two if not more plays.
Actress Three- Has been acting for probably forty years or more. Has been in a movie and numerous plays.
Actress Four- Also has been in a few movies,and plenty of plays.
Actress Five- Has taught drama for many years as well as community theatre, some commercials, and voice overs.
Actress Six- "Um...well...I've always wanted to be an actress"
I will say this, that it does feel incredible being surrounded by such talented women, but it's also a little intimidating! I am a baby compared to these women. I certainly look forward to all that I can learn and trust me on this that I have my pencil and paper handy to take plenty of notes!
It's true though, for as long as I can remember I have wanted to be an actress. It was a huge dream as a child, and I supposed somewhere along the way I stopped believing that I could get to Hollywood so I didn't try to do anything with it. High school was a difficult time for me and I did not really have the desire for theatre or much of anything else,though that would have been a perfect place to start. Well, it's a perfect place to start now.
I do believe in myself. I can feel myself being the character and visualize how it will look. I trust myself that I can get to a place of heartfelt emotions during the scenes when that will be called for. Then I skip ahead in my imagination and I can see myself being in a movie! The lifestyle alone would be fantastic! I could easily get use to being a star. I am somewhat of a celebrity in my own head anyway *_*. But then good old reality sneaks in and silences the dreams and bury's the remnants of the life that could be.
Its not any wonder. We are taught, better yet, conditioned to think that its unreasonable to believe that we could be what we dream. Its more realistic to believe that we can get the regular every day jobs rather than whats in our hearts. But its my understanding that what lies in our hearts is what we are meant to do, and how we could be the most successful. I'm a dreamer and always have been except for those few years during high school where I took a trip on acid, ecstasy and every other drug you can think of that basically helped void the life that lived inside of me. Sure glad that wasn't a permanent vacation.
I have been fortunate to have the opportunity to be able to test and try out new things. Of course having a desire to do so is the first and biggest step in my opinion. I am not afraid to try new things and look forward to what will inspire me next. I wonder if there is a word or phrase that describes the kind of person that lives by what they feel. If there is...its me. If I feel it, if it moves me, if it opens me up and in some ways pulls out of me what I have to give, then I know its what I should be doing.
I along with millions of other people, love movies! I am a visual person. I can get lost in the drama, the suspense, in the life that I see on the screen so much that I can feel it on a personal level and be moved tremendously by it. That's what I want to do for people watching. I want to inspire, move and make people feel and have a real effect. I am somewhat able to do this with the songs I write but I don't feel it as completely as I do when I am on stage. I mentioned that I don't really have any experience earlier, but I do. I have been practicing all my life! But really, last spring when I was in the Jekyll and Hyde Musical, I remember stepping onto that stage and of course being nervous but there was something else that overpowered that feeling and helped to put it in check and that was a feeling of being at home, empowered with courage and life and I had no choice but to live and be in that moment!
So I look forward to expressing that and so much more this October when I go back on stage to play the part of Shelby Latcherie in Steel Magnolias. With lots of practice and a commitment on my part in collaboration with these five other amazingly talented women, want to transform the audience and make them forget they are even in a theatre at all.
Six actresses and one director sit around a conference table coming together for the first time. Introducing themselves and telling of their past experience and accomplishments.
Actress One- Is a director herself but hasn't acted in a play in a few years. Also teaches drama.
Actress Two - Is beginning a drama department in the current school she teaches at. Has been the lead in two if not more plays.
Actress Three- Has been acting for probably forty years or more. Has been in a movie and numerous plays.
Actress Four- Also has been in a few movies,and plenty of plays.
Actress Five- Has taught drama for many years as well as community theatre, some commercials, and voice overs.
Actress Six- "Um...well...I've always wanted to be an actress"
I will say this, that it does feel incredible being surrounded by such talented women, but it's also a little intimidating! I am a baby compared to these women. I certainly look forward to all that I can learn and trust me on this that I have my pencil and paper handy to take plenty of notes!
It's true though, for as long as I can remember I have wanted to be an actress. It was a huge dream as a child, and I supposed somewhere along the way I stopped believing that I could get to Hollywood so I didn't try to do anything with it. High school was a difficult time for me and I did not really have the desire for theatre or much of anything else,though that would have been a perfect place to start. Well, it's a perfect place to start now.
I do believe in myself. I can feel myself being the character and visualize how it will look. I trust myself that I can get to a place of heartfelt emotions during the scenes when that will be called for. Then I skip ahead in my imagination and I can see myself being in a movie! The lifestyle alone would be fantastic! I could easily get use to being a star. I am somewhat of a celebrity in my own head anyway *_*. But then good old reality sneaks in and silences the dreams and bury's the remnants of the life that could be.
Its not any wonder. We are taught, better yet, conditioned to think that its unreasonable to believe that we could be what we dream. Its more realistic to believe that we can get the regular every day jobs rather than whats in our hearts. But its my understanding that what lies in our hearts is what we are meant to do, and how we could be the most successful. I'm a dreamer and always have been except for those few years during high school where I took a trip on acid, ecstasy and every other drug you can think of that basically helped void the life that lived inside of me. Sure glad that wasn't a permanent vacation.
I have been fortunate to have the opportunity to be able to test and try out new things. Of course having a desire to do so is the first and biggest step in my opinion. I am not afraid to try new things and look forward to what will inspire me next. I wonder if there is a word or phrase that describes the kind of person that lives by what they feel. If there is...its me. If I feel it, if it moves me, if it opens me up and in some ways pulls out of me what I have to give, then I know its what I should be doing.
I along with millions of other people, love movies! I am a visual person. I can get lost in the drama, the suspense, in the life that I see on the screen so much that I can feel it on a personal level and be moved tremendously by it. That's what I want to do for people watching. I want to inspire, move and make people feel and have a real effect. I am somewhat able to do this with the songs I write but I don't feel it as completely as I do when I am on stage. I mentioned that I don't really have any experience earlier, but I do. I have been practicing all my life! But really, last spring when I was in the Jekyll and Hyde Musical, I remember stepping onto that stage and of course being nervous but there was something else that overpowered that feeling and helped to put it in check and that was a feeling of being at home, empowered with courage and life and I had no choice but to live and be in that moment!
So I look forward to expressing that and so much more this October when I go back on stage to play the part of Shelby Latcherie in Steel Magnolias. With lots of practice and a commitment on my part in collaboration with these five other amazingly talented women, want to transform the audience and make them forget they are even in a theatre at all.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Everything Changes
Nothing stays the same.
I think I am giving up on Myspace. I made the switch over to Facebook a while ago at this point and I find it easier to keep in touch with friends and family because of how simple it is for most everyone and also because most everyone has made the move to Facebook anyway. The only reason I was hanging on to Myspace was because of two things, the blog and of course the music.
So basically I use this blog to tell the world (or those who are actually reading and are interested) about me and my life in sometimes the most flagrant of ways and sometimes in the most ambiguous and cryptic of ways.
I want to share a few pieces of my world and the ways in which I interpret it, in hopes that it makes you think, and question, and laugh, and love! I truly believe that we all have special gifts inside of us that are there especially for us to use and to share, and it's in the process of life that we are able to learn and understand what it is and how best to use it. Being aware of ourselves and our world around us, using the space and tools that we have to create our own art, opening ourselves up to one another to bring together this one world we all live in, and learning how to fully express love is just some of the ways we can attain true happiness. This is my pursuit to happpiness.
Through story's and song, poems and nonsensical script I will do my best to bring to life all the cravings of my soul and the ways in which I make out this crazy thing we call life!
I think I am giving up on Myspace. I made the switch over to Facebook a while ago at this point and I find it easier to keep in touch with friends and family because of how simple it is for most everyone and also because most everyone has made the move to Facebook anyway. The only reason I was hanging on to Myspace was because of two things, the blog and of course the music.
So basically I use this blog to tell the world (or those who are actually reading and are interested) about me and my life in sometimes the most flagrant of ways and sometimes in the most ambiguous and cryptic of ways.
I want to share a few pieces of my world and the ways in which I interpret it, in hopes that it makes you think, and question, and laugh, and love! I truly believe that we all have special gifts inside of us that are there especially for us to use and to share, and it's in the process of life that we are able to learn and understand what it is and how best to use it. Being aware of ourselves and our world around us, using the space and tools that we have to create our own art, opening ourselves up to one another to bring together this one world we all live in, and learning how to fully express love is just some of the ways we can attain true happiness. This is my pursuit to happpiness.
Through story's and song, poems and nonsensical script I will do my best to bring to life all the cravings of my soul and the ways in which I make out this crazy thing we call life!
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